I’m already a mom, a universal mom, a nurturer, much like Mother Earth or Mother Goose. I’ve got the mom life without having my own. I’ve also got the most beautiful fur son I could ever ask for.
Story behind the song
Healing wounds, starts with love.
A letter I once wrote to someone who didn’t take the time to really get to know me.
Lyrics
I feel like I’m always in a partial dream state. It’s much how I keep my heart alive. And it’s also part of what gets me into trouble. Then I wake up like danger danger. This isn’t safe. Why am I doing this? And this is why I’m single. My heart is broken as much as I’m healing. I’m also hurting. And the hurt part of me understands the hurt part of others. And the importance of love and happiness. To feel close to a man is a drug to me as much as it is my kryptonite. When you said I was like a drug for you I was feeling it too. And it felt so damn good. So unreal until I woke up and my heart was breaking again when you reminded me where I stand. And where I stand is nothing. I’m nothing to you. And that’s when I’d shut down and cuss you out. I know I’m bringing a lot up. And it’s been years. And yet the pain is still there and goes deeper than just you sweetie. And I guess that’s why I’m too much for a man and I probably always will be too much. The thing is it doesn’t make me any less loveable. And probably why I give so much.
The foundation of why I got fixed starts with my parents and with how things are. I don’t feel good enough to raise a child of my own. And with all that happened to me, it would kill me to see my child go through it, as broken as the system is, I can’t guarantee they won’t and my heart can’t take it. That’s exactly what my friend is going through with her child and her child is the whole reason why I ever wanted a baby. In 2012, I lost my baby along with my tube all the bleeding, all the scarring, all my choices in men; The universe told me no and I had to listen. I couldn’t keep dreaming. I had to get fixed. Don’t think I didn’t have my moments where I cried it out. I accept it for what it is even though it still hurts like hell at times. In 2019 I got my second tube removed, that time by choice so I can’t have kids. Then the pandemic started. I’m doing my best to keep my head up just like everyone else. And dogs give my life meaning so do humans, well as scared as I am of humans and still also love them. Because I get it. I fucking get it as much as I sometimes don’t get it. And this is why even when I feel dim I get back up again. Because I’ve got a lot to be thankful for. A lot of us do. I have a purpose, I have reasons to live. And it has nothing to do with materialism. Not the reasons that keep me living anyway. I bought a bunch of blankets and washed them to donate them to the ABCCM blanket drive. Even got a beautiful kid’s coat, and some warm Jammies to give to the drive for those who need them. The world is already in need as it is. And my friend’s child needs me. And my job needs me. My parents need me. Dogs need me. Amber needs me. And I need all of them too. So I’m gonna keep keeping on and this is how I heal. When you told me that I’d be a good mom it felt good as much as it scared me, but it turned out that it didn’t matter and damn did I feel it all.