This is just pure nonsense - if you find some deep philosophical meaning or incisive commentary on the human condition then good luck but I didn't put it there - it all came from the title and grew from there having fun with wordplay. The title came from a favourite story of my wife's. When she and her friends were student nurses out on the town they would often find themselves being chatted up by lads, and used to spin improbable yarns for fun. "What's your name?" some hopeful lad would ask one of them. "Oh, it's Melaena" would be the coy answer. "What a lovely name!" was the required response, at which point the cruel girls would all piss themselves laughing and the game was over. Google it with caution. PS many thanks to the late, great George Melly who gave us that wonderful insight into naval life: "When you're ashore it's all wine, women and song, but on board ship you have to make do with rum, bum and concertina..."

Tina Melaena, guillotiner Fled her life in, erm, Argentina Wanted for the heinous misdemeanour That gave rise to her name Took ship to a strange and lawless land Where her singular skills were in high demand By a particularly sinister gang Who profited from her fame But the wicked can truly know no rest She never guessed as she slipped the West She'd been tailed by Buenos Aires' best One Juan de los Chorlitos Slyly disguised as a window cleaner Juan conspired to spy on Tina But his ticker skipped as he spied between The slats in her venetians Contriving to be her next victim Juan hatched a plan to make sure she picked him But she found her desires conflicting As she raised her slicer Strange the way these games play out They belayed the charade of cat and mouse Eloped to France and set up house Vowing to play more nicer But it couldn't last.... Tina found domestic life demeaning She hankered after her old life And fell back to guillotining Intent to end what she'd begun She started by finishing the job on Juan Severed their togetherness Juan wanted more But wound up somewhat less Then she stowed away as cabin boy aboard a privateer Where she soon subdued the crew By pursuing her career And chopping off the fingers Of all who drew too near The she led them as captain The scourge of the Spanish Main Happy as they plundered Lifting up this glad refrain: Tina Melaena, Tina Melaena Rum and bum and concertina