A touching Ballad from the Old West
country
comedy
western
cowboy
Story behind the song
In the year 1842 Thorwald Phineas Andersen, a shy and timid farm boy from the deep, dark Norwegian woods, left his kin to seek luck in America. He bid his father, his mother and 12 siblings a quiet farewell, before he began his long and from time to time dangerous journey to the land of possibilities. He walked through the woods, over the plains and down to the coast, where he was accepted as a deckhand on a sail ship, earning by blood, sweat and tears his way over the Atlantic Ocean.
Arriving in America appeared like something between a dream and a nightmare to this innocent and gullible youngster. Evil rumours stated in now discarded history books, do not paint a pretty picture of his first weeks in his new found homeland. Some historians even claim he spent his first four weeks there with the infamous, one legged penny hooker, Annie Mae Krueger, to whom he surrendered all his earthly possessions in exchange for stolen moments of carnal pleasure. Annie Mae’s raw affection cooled down in pace with Thorwald’s rapidly drained money pouch.
His escapades with Annie Mae are said to have left Thorwald Phineas Andersen practically broke. Equipped only with his right boot, a fork and a pair of underpants, he was tossed out of the burlesque establishment in which said penny hooker resided. What gruesome deeds young Andersen had to endure in order to get the shirt back on his broke back, no one knows. One can only speculate, but then again, one would probably rather not spend too much time speculating over such gruesome deeds, since such speculation could inflict serious wounds on ones mortal soul.
By late spring, Thorwald had managed to work, beg and deed his way into enough money to buy some clothes, a bowie knife and a limp mule named Astaroth. The following months Thorwald and Astaroth spent limping about doing errands for widows and clergy in close vicinity earning money, meals and occasional carnal satisfaction, from whom, is not known.
By fall Andersen and his limp, now also half blind mule had run their last errand. Thorwald bought the needed supplies, saddled up Astaroth and headed for the great West. Annie Mae’s second cousin, at least twice removed, the less infamous, nevertheless even more ruthless penny hooker Sally Sue Swinglow, had gotten her grubby hands on a prospectors map. Historians claim she got the map from the notorious gold digger Heinrich Winkelklinker, as he ran short of cash in her bed on a warm summer night.
Unlike her at least twice removed second cousin, Sally Sue had grown to like the slightly less gullible boy from the north, and gave Thorwald, by now nicknamed Waldo, the map, in exchange for his promise to make her an honourable woman, if he found gold. Making Sally Sue an honourable woman would take more than gold, but Andersen did not realize that, blinded by the possibilities of future earnings and Sally Sue’s filthy promise of free access to carnal bliss.
The tales of Thorwald Phineas Andersen has been passed down orally through generations of his descendants. Evil tongues have called this rich verbal tradition bearing witness of one mans struggles for fairytales and hearsay, still the tales live on. Andersen’s life has been, and will continue to be a true source of inspiration for fine arts, rich cultural expressions like music and poems, as well as industrial innovations.
In 2004 Thorwald Phineas Andersen was elected post mortem into the Norwegian Emigrant’s & Goat cheese association (NE&GCA) as an honorary member. Since then numerous historians have devoted their time and talents to bringing forward the true story of a unique settler, who truly solemnly contributed to a tiny part of present American greatness.
The lyrics to The Ballad of Chief Well hung Buffalo, was written by Andersen himself, sometime around September 1854, after engaging in early attempts of cognitive therapy conducted in his cottage by Swedish Pseudo Psychologist Swen Finckelhopper. The event i