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Mystery Illness Strikes Republicans
Mar 16, 2007
Monday, December 04, 2006
Mystery Illness Strikes Republicans
Atlanta - The Centers for Disease control announced today that they have isolated the mysterious illness affecting the nation's Republicans. Doctors at the CDC have termed the illness Incremental Devastating Increase Of Truth Syndrome (IDIOTS). Apparently the illness involves a shattering of the worldview of an individual Republican when exposed to small amounts of reality.
Dr. Smakke A. Fule of the CDC explained the symptoms, "What happens is those suffering from IDIOTS have mental immune systems that have kept them safe from reality for some time. At a certain point the pressure of the real world can intrude, causing a complete breakdown. It's hard to know what to do with IDIOTS, IDIOTS are common among Republicans, and there is currently no miracle cure for IDIOTS. The only treatment for IDIOTS is to smack them clear in the face with full blown reality.
Dr. Fule then provided some anonymous testimony of IDIOTS sufferers:
"For 3 1/2 years I believed things were going fine in Iraq, we were making progress and headed towards victory. Then I had to believe all the killing wasn't a civil war. Not only was that too much for anyone with a brain to believe, but I wondered why there was all this killing after 3 1/2 years of constant progress."
"I believed there were WMD's, but there weren't. I believed Saddam was responsible for 9-11 and working with Al-Qaeda, but he wasn't. I believed most of the insurgents were Al-Qaeda, but 95% of them were Iraqis. I believed most Iraqis wanted us there, but they don't. It just got too hard."
"I believed Bush was wise and competent. I believed he knew what he was doing. Then Katrina happened, and it got a little harder. That's when it started."
"I believed there was no such thing as global warming. Michael Crichton told me so. And if a novelist says something, it must be true."
Not all Republicans are vulnerable to IDIOTS. In fact, only the most intelligent seem to suffer from this syndromee. Many are immune. At least 30% of the country is believed to be fully immune to this syndrome at any given time.
White House Spokesman Orr Wellian responded to reports of the syndrome today, "There is no problem, things are going fine. If anyone does feel symptoms of this disease, we recommend an immediate infusion of FAUX News, which is very effective at dealing with this syndrome." When asked if the White House was threatened with the syndrome Mr. Wellian responded, "Don't worry, this White House is protected by a 100% effective reality-proof bubble at all times. We've never been in any danger here."
Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2006 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.
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State Of The Union- Translated
Mar 16, 2007
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
State of the Union Address - Translated
The following is a multiple translation of the pResident's State of the Union Address:
1. What Democrats heard:
Oh God, we're so screwed. Everything is going to hell in a handbasket and I have no idea what to do. How will I get through the next two years and dump all this on someone else.
2. What FOX News viewers heard:
Things are going great. Everything's fine. We found lots of WMD's in Iraq like I promised and we got that Saddam guy who attacked us on 9-11. OK there's been a few hiccups of late, but we're definitely headed for victory. Just a few more troops and we'll win this thing.
3. What evangelical Christians heard:
I am God's annointed one on earth. Everything I do is his will and has his blessing. If you oppose me you oppose God's plan, so just keep smiling.
4. What the wealthy heard:
Don't worry, whatever happens I'll take care of you. And you know I don't mean any of that oil conservation stuff.
5. What the uninsured heard:
If you lazy bastards would just get off your ass and buy health insurance everything will be fine.
6. What people in the Middle East heard:
I don't understand anything about you. You all hate freedom right? Or do you want more freedom? We're sending more troops to kill you all. Or to help you all get freedom, which I think you want, or hate.
7. What soldiers heard:
How sweet and honorable it is do die for my mistakes.
8. What Nancy Pelosi heard:
Good luck dealing with all this - sucker!
9. What Republicans heard:
You're all stuck with me now. We wet our bed and now we have to lie in it.
10. What Bush was thinking:
Oh God, we're so screwed. Everything is going to hell in a handbasket and I have no idea what to do. How will I get through the next two years and dump all this on someone else.
Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.
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Bush's Secret Plan For Victory
Mar 16, 2007
Monday, March 12, 2007
Bush's Secret Plan for Victory
At times it may seem like the Bush administration doesn't know what their doing in Iraq, but this is actually untrue. Recent documents leaked from the pentagon detail a comprehensive, step-by-step plan for a guaranteed victory. The following excerpt is from a top secret memo on the future as the Bush administration sees their strategy played out.
Step 1: More troop will be sent to Iraq. As most of the casualties are caused by roadside bombs, every time an American is killed or wounded it costs the enemy at least on roadside bomb. Thus as more troops are killed and maimed, the cost to the enemy continues to grow, eventually being unsustainable.
Step 2: All forces opposing the US will eventually give up, unable to cope with the high cost of placing bombs. They will all surrender and do whatever the Bush administration wants. Sunni and Shiite will embrace and Iraq will be a happy wonderland for ever after, while still being profitable for Western oil companies.
Step 3: Iran and Syria will be so overawed by the American victory that they will become democracies and do whatever the Bush administration wants. Iran will completely dismantle its nuclear weapons program.
Step 4: All terrorists the world over will realize that America is so great and the cost of bombs so high that they will give up jihad forever and learn to love America.
Step 5: China and North Korea will be so frightened at the resolve of America to lose soldiers lives to roadside bombs that they will also give up their nuclear weapons programs and become democracies. China will also forgive all the US debt it holds.
Step 6: When the moment is right, Santa Claus will swoop down from the North Pole and distribute consumer goods to all the children in the Middle East, who will convert to Christianity. In a well-planned pincer movement, the Easter Bunny will Island hop from Indonesia, spreading candy and brightly colored eggs, also causing everyone to convert to Christianity. When the two meet up in Pakistan, Bin Laden will surrender, become an evangelical Christian, watch nothing but FAUX News, accept George Bush as his personal savoir, bow to Crawford five times a day, vote Republican and drive a large SUV. From then on the world will be one happy place.
All this is carefully thought out, but can only happen if more troops are sent to die and be maimed in Iraq. So please, support your pResident, never criticize him and for G-d's sake believe everything you see on FAUX News.
Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.
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A letter to Hillary
Mar 7, 2007
Hillary,
You were my first choice for the Democratic Nomination. Now you are running fourth because you side with George Bush on immigration and war issues. These moderate Republicans will never vote for you. They hate you ! Why stick to views of people who will never support you. The far right consertives have the most support on immigration and the right view for the working American. Your immigration bill cuts the throat of every working USA citizen, white, black, hispanic, or other.
All National Guard troops should be brought home now. "National Guard" means protect protect and guard our national borders. Speak up for this. Quit spending money in Iraq, the whole world knows we have no business there except the OIL business. Stop siding with George Bush on Iraq.
Get off your elitist high horse with Ted Kennedy and George Bush and fight for the middle class's jobs and wages. With that immigration bill soon there won't be a middle class.
Bill got elected and stayed elected because he did things he thought the people wanted. Bill came from a working background and understood how working people think and vote. We the voters want the people standing in line, waiting their turn to get in our country and work, to pay legit taxes, and play by the rules. We don't want breaking the law to be rewarded and the working citizens to be punished by low wages and loss of jobs to help big business.
Democrats don't want War and we want canidates who side with the USA citizen workers. I have voted Democrat every time an election has been held since 1972 (McGovern was not my first choice) but he got my vote. The whole Congress has changed because we want change. Don't put Bush big business views under the Democratic Hat.
Hillbilly Democrats
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