everyone says smile its your birthday but a birthday isn't something to smile about anymore they say find the light at the end of the tunnel but they don't get that there isn't a light there its just dark, its nightime all the time i think about just ending it i hold the bottle in my hand thinking about whether to do it or not then i think a gun would be easier a knife would hurt more jumping wouldn't be so bad its not a matter of whether or not to do it just a matter of how i realize i want it to be easy for my mom to find my body not bloody, or pale from being under water eyes closed like im asleep some say they want to see their funeral as far as i know i'm already in the box under the hard cold ground

What do i see? Crazy distortions, mental contorsions. Ask "why me?" Why am the only one who can see? See the evil, see it play. It lives in my head every day. Watch my step lookout, beware. Why must people whisper and stare? But who am i? What is my purpose? I look like a clown out of a circus. Jump through the hoops and do it well or i"ll end up in a prison cell. I see madness, how it comes about. I could stand in the street and shout it out. But that’s not right, that’s not good. God how it feels to be misunderstood. You'd lock me up. You’d be in my brain. Then you’d drive me completely insane. So laugh at me if you must. But I’d rather go back to bloody dust. So i can't see, so i can't hear all the fun you make of me. But really you’re just another statistic, certainly not i who has always existed. Never been born, never to die. We’ll live in heaven the devil and i. But now they capture me in mind, what is it they want to find? Do i hold the answers? Am i the key? Stop it now you’re scaring me. They stalk me in my sleep at night, they steal my breath away. To my head they hold a gun to blow my brains away. But you can lay me to rest. You can put me to sleep, you can dig my grave and dig it deep. But deathless and timeless i shall go on. On and on until it's all gone. Into oblivion, eternal peace. And only then will this torture cease.

if i were to jump out this window right now would your life be easier all i know is i wouldn’t leave a letter explaining my actions you can think for yourself it will be obvious what was on my mind my brain will be all across the pavement just take a look i haven’t thought clearer in my life life is full of fog is this what you would call a tragedy some might say its a blessing do you know where i’m coming from do you know why our screams are so loud? you'll never live this life i know you don’t get it and i couldn’t care less how many chapters will be before the ending lets just get to the point i will not survive this fall

Fill me up with food so no pain can get in fill me up with anything you have whatever you can possibly give me it all helps to block out the crave for friendship, for love and affection my hunger for success as a human my thirst for a satisfying drink from the communion cup of man I can cram it in without chewing I can swallow it whole without spewing I can pack it in like gold bullion I am worthless as weight is my gold - so I am told Fill me up with food so no pain can get in

Right now my mind state is wrong, I’m not sure its ever been right I realize I must remain strong, and hold my own while I’m still in this fight I keep my true feelings buried deep inside of me, and my nerves hard as steel My rage is so fucking intense there’s no way in hell you could ever feel My inner wounds are too brutal for them to even have a slight chance to heal Tell me, why am I cursed with this unavoidable anger, and where should I deposit the blame The sadistic beast that reigns inside of me, lately, hasn’t felt quite the same This must be his demonic method of amusement, but to me it’s very far from a game The creature is gradually taking me over, despite every defensive strategy I try Somewhere along my way I misplaced my emotions, now I can’t even cry I wonder if at an earlier point in life, my rage would somehow have been detected Would I have still spent all of these years blinded by ignorance, and dangerously unprotected Would this cruel hatred still be the foundation of the merciless way that I feel I must be hallucinating or dreaming because this fucked up life simply can’t be real 75% of the time I’m enraged, the rest I spend in total disbelief that this fucking place is so fake I have ghastly nightmares when I sleep, because I dread being awake I don’t know how much more of everybody’s shit I can take Lately its been freezing, the sun hasn’t even came out I got sick of wondering what that crazy shit was about Now I’m used to the darkness, but I don’t like it one bit They tell me that one day soon, the sun will come out from within its pit BUT I’M SO FUCKING SICK OF WAITING!! TO HELL WITH THIS SHIT!! I QUIT!!!